Im stressed,tired,overwhelmed,confused and i always mess shit up. I miss my old friends. I miss not giving a fuck about anything…but i am getting older which means i need to make smart decisions…i guess. I dont know what i want to do with my life, a part of me wants to go to college, but another part of me wants to travel. Oh lord how i would love to just travel the world. Leave everything behind. Its not likely though, but at this rate neither is me going to college.

I dont know what i did. I feel like things were going pretty great…but then it just stopped. This always happens to me. Wait. I think i know why though…well in this particular situation. Its not my fault. Im awkward, i know. I miss you though…i miss talking to you like everyday…its only been a couple days since we’ve talked..but something just feels different. I find myself looking for you in the halls..but when i see you i dont say anything..i just look away. Im scared. Im confused right now. I dont know what you want..i dont know what i want. Yea there’s this other guy..but hes just like the others. He likes me a lot and i talk to him all the time..but i dont feel anything…yet i keep him around because im scared to feel all lonely. I guess im just thinking about myself. Im sorry. Its nice to have a guy be nice to me and know that he likes me..but it does no good when i dont actually like him back..not like how i like you. I know youre different..and i like that a lot. I can talk to you about anything and i know you understand. Ive already become so close to you and youve already done so much for me, you really have made an impact on my life. You are the nicest guy i know. You care so much about your friends and you make it obvious. I love how i can be myself around you. I love how smart you are and how the things you say confuse me sometimes. I think about you all the time. I talk about you a lot too..in good ways of course. i dont know what to say about this situation right now. I hate it when things get complicated.

Im returning to my old habits. I thought i changed. I guess im just as fake as the people i complain about.

But there is this part of me that is strangely happy..i dont know how to explain it..bad things are happening but im not actually getting upset about them. i mean yea ive been complaining about stuff in those paragraphs up there..but im just saying whats currently on my mind..its not really bothering me to the point where i let it ruin my attitude and i sit in my room and cry. Maybe im getting stronger? Maybe ive learned to not be such a cry baby about everything. It is what it is. Shit happens to everyone, but you just have to move on. Im finally realizing that i guess.

I learned Forever My Father on piano today. i just cant stop playing ittttt.